Kandoo!

Pampers has a whole line of toilet training products (oops, I mean kid empowering bathroom tools) under a brand called “Kandoo.” Apparently the mascot is a frog named “Kandoo,” pictured above wiping his ass with a Kandoo flushable wipe. This is the pose Kandoo makes on the box that I discovered in our upstairs bathroom. I’m curious as to what an overly-packaged box of about 50 flushable and highly marketed wipes could cost. I guess when the alternative is kid disempowerment…

Speaking of kid empowerment, it’s a little ridiculous how much attention the Will Farrell “Landlord” skit is getting. It’s mostly because the site is not as amateurish as it seems. Read the explanation here:

http://www.slate.com/id/2164301/

I have to agree that it’s not really funny watching a toddler swear. Apparently that makes me uptight. The first time I heard Syd say that something was “stupid” it was a little heartbreaking, so laughing when it’s someone else’s kid who’s been taught to swear seems hypocritical and exploitive. I wonder if Will Farrell wasn’t involved and it truly was an amateur video what the reaction would be, or if the child in question was seven and knew what she was saying. I don’t think it should make any difference. If you want to see a truly funny take on young child as landlord, I recommend the episode of the Cosby Show where the Huxtables teach Theo a lesson by acting as if their home is the “real world.” It’s typically unrealistic Cosby Show goodness, but I remember Rudy’s performance as the grumpy old landlady being very funny. It wasn’t edgy, but it was funny.

My playoff beard is pretty thick in my ninth unshaven day. My “Levon Helm” beard was only one month old. If the Sabres make it to the Cup finals I can’t imagine what it would look like after two months. I’ve decided that I am going to shave my neck between each series because it would be completely ridiculous otherwise.

I’m looking forward to hosing out the garage tomorrow and setting up the Cheektowaga living room out there. When I’m done, it will be nice to sit at the picnic table with a drink and the newspaper and dream of retirement!

Lucinda

Dennise and I had the total pleasure of seeing Lucinda Williams last night at the UB Center for the Arts. I had never been at the Center for the Arts before, but I was really impressed. The rows of seats are sloped almost like a stadium and the acoustics are tremendous. After the first song, Lucinda even commented on how great the room sounded. She was very warm and funny onstage and introduced practically every song. Lucinda receives a great deal of regard for her songwriting, so the explanations she gave of each song seemed appropriate and provided a lot of insight that made old favorites even more enjoyable to hear. It led me to focus much more closely on the lyrics. The lyrics for “Drunken Angel,” for example, are actually quite literal from a storytelling perspective, but I had never listened all that closely before.

Lucinda referred to a big binder of lyrics for some of the songs. It made me think of Frank Sinatra recording an album, like on the cover of “Strangers In The Night.” When she wasn’t focusing on the book and was more comfortable with the words, she could really focus on her phrasing, which along with her voice is absolutely incredible.

I thought the band was great. The guitarist used a lot of feedback on his guitar and it actually reminded me of Pete Townshend a little in terms of sound, while his playing style was totally different. I thought “Changed The Locks” would have sounded awesome with that guitar and harmonica as well, but although they have played it on this tour, it wasn’t for Buffalo.

The songs I enjoyed the most were 2 Kool 2 Be 4-Gotten (one of my favorites), Fruits of My Labor (which I don’t think I had even heard before), and “Lake Charles.” I always dug “Lake Charles,” but the intro Lucinda gave about it being autobiographical really put me in the place and time. It’s a view into a lot of interesting people, places, and things that I will never see! It’s about as close as knowing Blaze Foley and Townes Van Zandt as I will get. To hear her perform live is just so real and beautiful.

I found these quotes that are only slightly related, but wanted to add them here:

"Townes Van Zandt is the best songwriter in the whole world and I'll stand on Bob Dylan’s coffee table in my cowboy boots and say that." - Steve Earle

"I've met Bob Dylan and his bodyguards, and I don't think Steve could get anywhere near his coffee table." - Townes Van Zandt

I Wanna Honk The Horn!

Today I have an embarrassing and crazy story to share.

I had the oil changed in my 1996 Saturn yesterday and tried to get it inspected. There are some problems with the sensors, so I have to take it back on Thursday so hopefully the car can be fixed. But I had to go back to the garage today because when I opened the door this morning, the car horn started blaring on its own and wouldn’t stop. And when I say I opened the door, I mean I opened the front door of my house! I can hardly believe that it happened myself, but it’s the complete and honest truth. As soon as I opened the door to my house it was like someone was leaning on the car horn. We have talked about having a ghost in the house, and this is the best proof to date.

Shaking the steering wheel didn’t help, and all I could think of doing was pulling out fuses or disconnecting the battery. I didn’t want to do anything drastic so that I couldn’t start the car. I didn't even know where the fuses are, or if there was one that only affected the horn. Most of all I just wanted the horn to stop! What I ended up doing was opening the hood and punching the battery, which for some reason dulled the sound of the horn down to a medium-sized roar. Thankfully I didn’t have to drive back to the garage with the horn on full blast like a total freak. Unfortunately I couldn’t take Syd to day care, but I was able to get to the garage without drawing attention to myself.

The mechanic gave me a puzzled look because I was back so soon, but he was able to reach behind the left headlight and unplug the connection to the horn. The registration for the Saturn is also due next month. I have the perfect idea for vanity plates – LAME.

Winter Activities

When the family was off in Elmira a few weeks ago I considered working on my basement, but I couldn’t bring myself to start. More precisely, I didn’t know where to start. So as you will recall, I finished the income taxes, browsed through some record shops, and bought my traditional “bachelor weekend” DiBella’s sub.

I was finally motivated to get my basement in shape by the lousy weather yesterday. I have been so frustrated at not being able to open up the garage for summer, I thought “I’ll show them” and focused on the basement instead. I sprayed some anti-Mildew chemical that I bought over a year ago on the cinderblock walls and was quite literally taken aback by the fumes, which permeated the whole house. The spray did the trick, but it has a smell worse than bleach that I hope doesn’t stick around. I bought a gallon of paint over a year ago as well, and I aim to get it on the walls at some point soon. I think it would be nice if the basement is in shape by Dennise’s birthday in October. I know that’s extending a long time frame ever further, but summer is no time to be in your basement. Unless of course winter continues to persist as it looks like it might.

Toxic fumes were the perfect excuse to get the family out of the house, so we all went to Sam’s Club to restock on diapers and all manner of cleaning supplies. Fortunately, we were near the Dick’s clearance sale and found we were not too late to take advantage of the values. I finally got a new ski jacket, and at less than $100 it was worth waiting for. It’s drab green with orange trim. It’s a Columbia, so I am loyal to the brand of my last ski jacket, which I purchased over fifteen years ago. I am so impressed with how coat technology has improved since that time. My new coat is lighter, more comfortable, and warmer than my old one. I really only had need for a new ski jacket after I moved back upstate. There is still something ingrained in me after living in New York for so long that makes me feel like a hick wearing the ski jacket to work. I might not look like George Costanza in the puffy coat, but I feel that way. I don’t feel bad about parting with the old jacket, but I do have to reflect on how I wore it to all the Bills playoff games that I went to going back to 1992. Luckily there are a lot of pictures of me in the jacket to go with many wonderful memories.

I also got a great deal on a pair of black ski pants, long overdue. If you want an idea of what I looked like when I went skiing this past winter, check out the pictures of me building a snowman with Syd. It’s pretty much the same mismatched, cracker ass outfit.

When I heard about the Goo Goo Dolls doing a Sabres tribute video for the playoffs I was prepared to be underwhelmed and possibly embarrassed, but I was actually kind of impressed. I found a version of it on YouTube, but the audio level was too low to hear. Maybe other versions of it will follow for anyone who hasn’t seen it.

What I haven’t been able to find on YouTube is the Brian Campbell commercial for The Center for Excessive Sweating. I think I could probably watch that a million times and still be entertained by it. There is just so much to like. Hopefully the Sabres go deep enough in the playoffs that I can memorize it. It’s hard to describe if you haven’t seen it. Hopefully the internet chatter on this picks up and it gets posted somewhere.

Picture of Brian Campbell taken by Mike Lynaugh. I have added him to my links.

Smigus Dyngus

Our third annual Dyngus Day party was last week, and I think it was our best to date. We had also hosted Easter and rearranged the house a little so that everyone could eat together. We took the couches out of the front room and moved the dining room table in there. For Dyngus Day, the long table gave the party a beer hall vibe. It was also great for euchre. For sausage, supermarket kielbasa leaves a lot to be desired, so I went to Swan Market for German sausage. They had kielbasa as well, which was good but overly salty for me. I did an easy cucumber salad and avoided all the trouble of having to package together little golabkis. Sue Lynn and Jennifer brought Polish baked goods they made themselves. The batches of fried pierogis were also a big hit. The music situation was also improved, because I found all-polka radio WRJQ streaming on the internet out of Appleton, Wisconsin. It provided great variety with minimal commercial breaks. In the past, I had one polka CD that I repeated too often throughout the day.

I have added WRJQ as a link on this blog. WRJQ is run by a 26 year old guy named Aaron Schuelke out of his basement on the northeast side of Appleton. I E-mailed a request during our party and shortly heard back from Aaron, who was away from the studio but checking his E-mail remotely. I wanted to support the station, so I bought a T Shirt. It turns out that he is out of XL, but since polka festival season is just around the corner, Aaron is going to print up more shirts and I told him that I would wait. I just couldn’t ask him for the money back. This all gives me an eerie feeling that I am becoming more and more like my father. I can see this as being exactly the type of thing he would get himself involved in. I am thinking about taking the next inevitable step and sending Aaron the MP3’s I have of the Iroquois and Simon Pure radio commercials that I have. He seems like a really nice guy and has a good sense of humor. You should check out his FAQ’s, especially the one about “Can I tune into WRJQ on the radio?” Funny stuff.

The kids seemed to enjoy Dyngus Day as well and insisted on playing outside. I got some awesome squirt guns at CVS for only $3. The cold didn’t bother the kids nearly as much as it bothered the adults. It’s probably a good thing that it was so cold, because if it was another five degrees warmer I might have been tempted to set up outside and gone through the whole routine of pretending it wasn’t cold.

I’m glad Dennise didn’t want to break the tradition and we did the party again. I am always kind of ambivalent about it before hand and I’m always surprised at what good sports our friends are. I do this not totally without embarrassment. Hanging a Polish flag on your garage on Dyngus Day when you’re not even Polish is embarrassing. I’m not quite sure what possesses me to do it. But it’s fun going to Beers of the World every year and buying the Polish beer, and I do enjoy listening to the polkas. And who’s to argue with drinking beer and playing euchre on a Monday afternoon?

My Labatt’s Sabres hat arrived in the mail last week. I wore it during the game last night and I wonder if it was a jinx. Ten minutes into the first period we were all trying to change what we were doing and what we were wearing in order to change the Sabres’ fortunes. Since I wasn’t in town for Game 1, the biggest jinx was probably me. We are going to change the venue for game three and I am going to have to alter my Sabres gear somewhat. I think I’ll get rid of the hat at least. I think it’s impressive that so many of us have the classic Sabres sweaters, but looking at a room full of them I couldn’t help but be reminded of all the failures of the past. Ramsey, Andreychuk, and Foligno were three guys who weren’t very successful getting the Sabres past the first round. I shouldn’t have to do this much soul searching for a series against the Islanders.

Nazdrowie!

I was all set to go on another Today Show tirade about a feature Dennise told me about until I actually watched it. I don’t agree that the 12 year old boy who loves vacuuming has obsessive-compulsive disorder. Watch the segment that aired last Tuesday here:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12065856/

This is hardly my area of expertise, but if this kid mindlessly and repetitively vaccumed I would think he had OCD. The way he lovingly and passionately describes these vacuum cleaners makes me think that he has a very strange hobby. I think if he was as passionate and knowledgeable about fighter planes or sportscars no one would think twice. I’m relieved that Today was not exploiting this kid because I didn’t really feel like a tirade “today.”

For a few weeks it seemed like couldn’t get through any of the articles I started to read on Slate. It’s very strange for me to be interested enough to start an article but then bail out. I thought my mind was going soft, but this week there have been a lot of good reads “over there.” So it wasn’t me at all! Here is an interesting piece on maple syrup:

http://www.slate.com/id/2163219/

Another lie they are telling you: That Ryan Miller’s 39 wins this year can be compared to Don Edwards’ 38 wins in 1977-78 without qualification. The fact is that if Miller was playing without the shootout, as Edwards did, he would have 29 wins after regulation or overtime.

I went to my first Sabres game of the season last week. It was a real treat to go and certainly makes me wish I could go more often. Going to a weeknight game takes quite an effort, though. We left Rochester shortly after 5:00 and didn’t get home until around midnight. That’s only slightly less of an obligation than going to a Bills game.

Going to Sabres games at HSBC Arena is a rather strange experience for me in some ways. I was living in New York City when the Arena opened in 1996. When I lived in Buffalo and went to Sabres games often, I went to The Aud. I never lived in Buffalo while the Sabres played at HSBC. I haven’t been to many games there and it doesn’t really feel like “home” to me the way that The Aud did. I think as a child it is easier to bond with things and memories are more vivid, so there may be a lot of people living in Buffalo my age who feel the same way that I do. When I went to watch the Sabres at The Aud, everyone there was older than I am. Now when I go to HSBC, a good deal of the fans are younger than I am. I spend a lot of time sitting there wondering where these people came from. I feel a bit disconnected, and I wish that wasn’t the case. I couldn’t ask for better friends and family to follow the team with me, but I wonder if I shouldn’t be more connected to “Sabres Fans” in general. I don’t have these issues following the Bills. Maybe it’s because the experience of following the Bills has never really changed for me, or because the Sabres are doing so well now and fans seems to have suddenly appeared.

I couldn’t believe the number and variety of truly hideous Sabres jerseys I saw at the game. How does someone put together a Sabres jersey that quite clearly doesn’t look like anything worn by the team and then say to himself, “That’s close enough?” There is no such thing as close enough. The name “Paetsch” on the back of a jersey in lettering twice as fat as it should be is not close enough. Silk-screened numbers on the back aren’t close enough. Wearing the team’s original white jerseys with the small number on the front isn’t close enough, because those jerseys have never existed. And putting your own friggin’ name on the back is so far away from any sort of reality that those types of people should be confronted and shamed. A hockey jersey is not a blank canvas. If you want a blank canvas, go to Build A Bear. It’s an embarrassing reflection on the team and its fans and again leads me to ask “Who are these people and where did they come from?”

Dyngus Day is fast approaching and from the additional events planned in Buffalo and the coverage in The Buffalo News, it sounds like the event is really building. Next year might be the year to head to the Buff and take part in the parade. Nice article today in TBN about east side watering holes. I need to hit the Adam Mickiewicz Library before I die.

Play Ball

I just went to CBS Sportsline to check the Yankee score and saw my first outrage of the new baseball season (and it's not these argyle caps). The CBS website has a clock counting down the seconds until interleague play. Yes, let’s forgo our celebration of Opening Day. Instead let’s literally count the seconds for the next 46 days until the abomination of interleague play. I can’t speak for every baseball fan, but I know the highlight of the season for me will be when the Yankees’ race for the pennant is suspended mid-campaign so the Bombers can play the Pirates and the Diamondbacks, followed by the Rockies and Giants. They are still selling this as a novelty years and years after it has gotten tired and annoying (it was always pointless). That goes for the Yankees/Mets “Subways Series,” too. I’ve already sworn off ESPN dot com. If anyone can tell me of a decent website for American sports, please share.

While I’m ranting, my new annoyance is parents talking down to their children. There is a difference between being young and being stupid, but some parents talk to their young children as if they are stupid. It sounds so condescending and disrespectful that I don’t know why anyone would do it. Even if the five year old isn’t embarrassed, all the adults within earshot should be. If the kid is old enough to use the phone, he’s old enough to be spoken to without the sing-songy voice or without referring to yourself in the third person. You don’t need to remind your kid that “Mommy” is at work. If you say “I’m still at work” and the kid doesn’t know it’s you, perhaps you should look into having him tested. There is a way to mirror a child’s enthusiasm and provide positive reinforcement and encouragement without patronizing him like a bunny rabbit. It's sick.

The most E-mailed story in the NY Times is from Sunday and headlined “For Girls, It’s Be Yourself, and Be Perfect, Too.” I typically read any daughter-related items I come across (there was an interesting experiment on Underwater Fathering a few years ago that I highly recommend), so I dug into this extensive article about the pressures on a group of high school girls in Newton, MA trying to get into college. I quit reading about halfway through when it became clear that the subject of the story could be more accurately described as privileged high achievers in an affluent town who happen to be girls. The Times admits that the upbringing in Newton is hardly common, but it’s still odd that the focus of the story is on gender. There are clearly many more girls in “typical” school systems facing challenges that they could write about. The subjects of the article will excel at whatever they do, so I don’t see the “story,” besides these girls being under a lot of pressure. Didn’t we learn anything from The Breakfast Club? It’s not easy for anyone, OK? I think it says a lot about The Times as a symbol of the "liberal elite" that enough readers identify with the story that it’s the most shared on the website.

It looks like the Aloha Motel might not be open for business anymore. I took my first close look while driving by over the weekend and it certainly looks deserted. I’m sure people will be selling and using crack in there in no time, just like the motel guests probably did.